Dear Sirs,

In light of the recent abject failure of the England team at the 2010 World Cup, the English public deserves answers to a number of questions. I suspect that these answers will never be forthcoming as all involved hurry to cover their collective arses and appoint an official England scapegoat. Who shall it be this time? The manager?

Fabio Capello
Why do you persist in appointing foreign coaches to the England job? Mr Capello can barely speak English, so how can he possibly deliver a stirring team talk to the players? Where is his track record of working with English players and teams? Are you seriously expecting England fans to believe you are incapable of selecting a suitably qualified English manager for the role? What about Harry Redknapp, Sam Allardyce, Roy Hodgson, Terry Venables, Stuart Pearce et al? And why on earth did you give the man a 4 year contract without even first seeing if he could do the job?

Clearly, Mr Capello is at least partially to blame for the dismal performances. His stubborn refusal to build his team around the best players has drawn confusion from the fans, the media, the pundits and even foreign players. There are tribes of people deep in the Amazon jungle as yet untouched by civilisation, and even they know that Gerrard needs to play behind Rooney and not on the left wing. Mr Capello picked his blinkered old fashioned 4-4-2 system and doggedly stuck to it in spite of the clear evidence that it simply wasn’t working.

I may not be a FIFA qualified coach, but it’s plain to see by looking at the world’s best teams, that you build the team around the key players, and not around a system. England’s best players are Wayne Rooney, Steven Gerrard and John Terry (although you’d be forgiven for mistaking them for Sunday League amateurs based on performances at the World Cup), and the team should be built around these players. John Terry should be allowed to play in the exact position he plays for his club. Why would any sane manager make him swap sides to a less familiar position for a crucial game against Germany? Why is Gerrard constantly pushed out to the left wing in order to accommodate Frank Lampard in the team? Gerrard is the better player, put him in the middle behind the strikers where he knows how to play. Lampard can play behind or warm the bench until needed.

Rooney has been hyped up mercilessly by the media. Sure the guy has talent, but he is not Ronaldo or Messi, and he needs decent service, from say, Gerrard playing just behind him?

And who is England’s best goal scorer at the moment? Peter Crouch. Why did he barely feature at the World Cup? Instead, we played Emile Heskey – a great player, don’t get me wrong, but not a striker or goal scorer. We already have a guy who can play off the strikers – Gerrard. Crouch would have given more alternatives and more goals than Heskey.

So, Fabio is definitely culpable here.

The Players
All the players should take a long hard look at themselves and their contribution at the World Cup. With the exception of David James, not one of them can hold their head up high. If I was in charge of England, I would sack the lot of them and bring through the youngsters. In 4 years’ time, they will be a more cohesive and dedicated team than this bunch of overpaid underachievers could ever expect to be.

Fans paid thousands of pounds to be in South Africa to support England, and in return the England players simply couldn’t be bothered. As one of the German pundits aptly expressed, if England has some of the best individual players in the world, why can’t they win anything as a team.

The FA
The players don’t play as a team because money gets in the way of the pride that should be on display when they pull on that shirt. Money in the Premier League prevents the team from getting together as often as they should. Look at how many games the South American national teams play compared to the few miserable friendlies England arranges (usually against hopeless opposition, and usually with two completely different teams in the first and second halves, ensuring no team spirit is ever built and nothing is ever learned). The vast sums of money the players earn ensures that they need never worry about winning a national game. The FA could never supply a win bonus of sufficient size to motivate any of these players.

Young English players can never progress through the ranks because the Premier League has become a bloated corporate animal having very little in common with the actual game. The influx of foreigners is embarrassing. How about investing in the English youth? Why not limit the number of foreigners included in games? Why not make it mandatory for every Premier League and Championship club to field 1 or 2 home grown under 21 players in every game?

You are responsible for the collapse of English football. You created the conditions in which the game can only flounder. You employed the overpaid foreign managers, who will never have the passion of a home grown manager. You ruined England’s World Cup and shamed a nation of fans.

The senior members of the FA, the manager, and the senior players must all resign. Bring in people that actually give a toss. Change must be brought in. Without this, England will forever be a footnote on the history of the game.

Not good enough.

It’s January, and that means it’s transfer window time. If you’re a Liverpool fan like me, this is usually a time of sheer frustration and this season is certainly no exception. The club has followed up last season’s excellent showing in the league, with a display of sheer on-pitch ineptitude that one might expect from a lower league team with part time staff, but certainly not from the likes of the overpaid superstars that call Anfield home.

As a club, Liverpool has shown a degree of patience with its managers that is all but non-existent in the English Premier League, and this is a trait that does the club, its staff and its fans much credit. However, enough is enough. I for one am fed up with seeing Rafa spend great flipping wodges of cash on players that he tells us are amazing, and yet completely fail to deliver the goods. I suspect this is largely down to the fact that Mr Benitez seems adamant that the best way to develop his players and team is via a squad rotation system that ensures they don’t get a regular game or any kind of opportunity to settle into anything approaching a rhythm. Often, these players show flashes of brilliance, but no kind of consistency, and then thanks to the ludicrous financial situation, are shown the door and sold on for less than the club paid for them a year previously.

So, having got rid of arguably England’s finest striker in Peter Crouch, and shooing off other goal scorers with proven track records (Robbie Keane and Craig Bellamy), we are left with one striker. Probably the finest striker in the world, but he is just one man. Inexplicably, we passed (again) the opportunity to have Michael Owen back, so now we are in a position where we must sell players in order to have enough money to buy someone new. The squad needs strengthening throughout, and we maybe could have done this had Rafa not gassed over £20million on Aquilani, who has so far managed just 5 outings for the club.

Then, I saw in the rumour mill talk of us getting none other than Ruud van Nistelrooy from Real Madrid. That would have been brilliant! Some would say that at 33 he’s past it, but I’ll have you know the Ruud Boy has stuck in 46 goals in 68 appearances for Real Madrid. It’s a complete no-brainer: Ruud wants first team football for the World Cup, and he won’t get it at Real; we need a cheap striker who knows the Premiership and can hit the ground running. But, no, it doesn’t look like it will happen. Instead, by all accounts, we now have Maxi Rodriguez on his way over who has a rather less impressive record of 32 goals in 121 appearances for Atletico Madrid, and no Premiership experience. He’s 29, played most of his career in Spain, and in all probability won’t adapt to the Premiership even in the unlikely event that Rafa actually gives him a regular run out.

What’s even more sad is that unless we get a big offer for a player, our January signings will be just Maxi and possibly one other loan signing (and that won’t be Ruud).

I really hope I’m proven wrong, but I doubt it. If Liverpool don’t muster a top 4 finish this season, then Rafa must go. If we don’t win the league next year, then Rafa must go. He’s had his chance and spent vast amounts of money bringing in player after player, and with a few exceptions, most of them haven’t worked. How much more time and money do we give this guy?

I say give the job to Ian Rush.

And for those interested, here are a few of Rafa’s Kop Flops:

Josemi – £2m – 16 starts in 18 months
Antonio Nunez – part of the Michael Owen deal, and easy to see why Real wanted rid of him
Fernando Morientes – £6.3m – formerly brilliant, but a short spell playing for Rafa soon cocked that up
Jan Kromkamp – lasted half a season before scarpering back to the Netherlands
Mark Gonzalez – £4.5m – spent a year on loan just to get a work permit and was gone after one season
Craig Bellamy – £6m – actually scored better than 1 in 3, but he also fell by the wayside
Ryan Babel – £11.5m – showed some signs of promise, and probably just needs regular football, but by all accounts he will be shown the door this month
Jermaine Pennant – £6.7m – not good enough for Arsenal, and not good enough for us, despite some flashes of brilliance
Robbie Keane – £20.3 – came to play for Rafa and wrecked his career, didn’t get nearly enough action to stand a chance of surviving longer than the 6 months he did, before being sold for a massive loss
Gabriel Paletta – £2m – useless defender that made only 3 appearances
Andrea Dossena – £7m – now our 3rd choice left back, great value, not

There are more, but I’m just too depressed to carry on…

I bet that’s just what everyone was thinking before the pre-budget report. I mean, it was only last year we had a hike in National Insurance, and now there’s a bit more to pay. Super. It’s not as if we pay much tax already is it…

It may only be a tenner a month, but that’s cutting right into my pocket money. That means I will be spending proportionally less at the model shop and at the local eateries. That in turn has an impact on those small businesses, who themselves are struggling with taxes. This results in price increases, and so the vicious cycle goes.

Oh, and whilst you’re at it, why not tax our broadband connections too? Now I understand why you were so keen to get everyone in the country connected.

This country sucks ass.

It’s probably been a couple of years since I first came across the pop-up urinal in the centre of Taunton. We had taken the staff out for a company night out and came face to face with a Urilift at the bottom of the High Street. I had no idea what it was, in fact at first I thought it was some sort of water fountain. It was only when I got my face closer I realised it was a urinal – wide open for everyone to see. Then, a few days later, I was stood at the same spot on the High Street and the thing had vanished. I then saw the circular shape on the paving and it dawned on me that it was a urinal that pops up out of the ground at night.

I was driving back from Minehead on Saturday night and cut across the town, and saw the urinal again, this time being used by a couple of drunk chaps, whilst a whole load of young ladies (wearing virtually nothing) walked nonchalantly by. I’m in my early thirties and I’m not a complete prude, but it astonishes me just how much times have changed since I frequented the town centre on a Saturday night, and this urinal just sums it all up.

We are a nation in moral decay. Where is the sense of decency? Why do we need to install open urinals in busy High Streets? I understand the council is trying to stop drunk revellers from slipping into a dark alley to do their business, which the following day smells awful for the shoppers, but by placing a urinal in a wide open space, they are simply condoning or even encouraging this sort of behaviour.

I wonder how effective the pop-up urinal is anyway. It seems to cater only for men, and yet there are equal numbers of drunk female louts staggering about the streets of Taunton. Are we expected to believe that the female of the species is never caught short during a night on the razz? Are we also expected to believe that chaps would prefer standing in the middle of the High Street to a secluded dark alley?

What bothers me most is that during the summer the urinal pops up during the daylight. Worse still, someone could be using it in the daylight while I drive past with my children. It is, after all, positioned right smack bang in the middle of Taunton town centre.

I have this issue with my left wrist: it hurts. Quite a lot sometimes. Fortunately, I’m right handed, but it’s surprising how many everyday tasks set it off. Riding my motorbikes and bicycles is uncomfortable. Picking things up is very difficult. Typing can be painful.

So, after 6 weeks of enduring the discomfort and not wanting to go to the doctors (like a typical bloke), I finally snapped today.

I see my doctor very rarely. I hate going to the doctor and I hate going to hospitals – I’ve had too many bad experiences at the bungling hands of the NHS. My wife, on the other hand, must be on first name terms with her doctor  because she seems to see her every other week, either for herself or one of the kids. She usually just phones up in the morning and then goes straight in. I don’t remember ever seeing her wait for an appointment.

I just phoned my doctor’s surgery and asked for an appointment. The conversation went something like this…

S: “Hello, North Street Surgery.”
D: “Hi. Can I book an appointment with Dr. ****** today please?”
S: “Erm… [pause] no, he’s fully booked. [long pause where no further suggestions were offered]”
D: “Ooookaaaay, how about tomorrow?”
S: “No, sorry he’s fully booked… and, he’s on annual leave next week.”
D: “Right.”
S: “Is it something he could deal with in a phone call?”
D: “Probably not.”
S: “Oh.”
D: “Uhm.”
S: “Sorry.”
D: “Yes. Is there anyone else I could see?”
S: “You could phone tomorrow to see if Dr. Unpronouncable has any cancellations.”
D: “Thanks.”

Maybe I’m being picky, but the surgery didn’t really seem at all interested in my plight or getting me an appointment to see the doctor. Surely, if he can spare a few minutes to talk to me on the phone, he could talk to me in person? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge my doc his annual leave, but you might think that some common sense and planning would take place at the surgery. Given that he’s going to be off, it’s highly likely that appointments will get bunched up during his last couple of days in, and some additional cover might be useful.

I overcame my phobias and issues to phone the surgery and ask for help, and I hung up the phone with the feeling that they just couldn’t really give a toss.

I guess I’ll just add the wrist to all the other maladies that I just put up with, because the docs seem completely unable to fix any of them.

It’s a good job I’m not dieing.

UPDATE:
I phoned my wife and related my experience. She phoned the doctors and immediately got an appointment for this afternoon with her doc! What?!?!?!?!