I’ve been looking around for a cheap second motor to use for work without depriving my wife of the main family roadster. Being something of a picky chap, I want a decent car from a decent make, so I have been looking at high mileage, well-maintained larger motors. Having spotted a suitable specimen on an eBay auction that didn’t sell, I got in touch with the seller and arranged a lower price and a visit.

According to the advert, I was going to look at a lovely W registered Saab 9-5 2.0t SE in silver. Alloy wheels, leather interior, all the toys, but high-ish mileage at 128K, and hence a bargain price of £1,250. The principal draws were the advertised “full Saab service history”, the fact that the turbo had been replaced three months ago along with a basic service, the car had just “flown” through its MoT, had “four good tyres”, “six months’ tax” and that it “drives like a 20,000 mile car”. The seller assured me that it was a beautiful car and that if I bought it, I wouldn’t regret it all. His advert also claims close to 40MPG fuel economy (pretty outstanding for a 2 litre Saab). The only downside: a small scratch to one of the wheel arches that has been very nicely touched in. Got to be worth an 80 mile trip to view it… so, off I trot to Chippenham.

The car in fact has no tax. No service history beyond 66,000 miles, and therefore no indication of whether the cambelt has been changed (twice) as it should have been. There is a huge crack (20 inches at least) in the windscreen. There is a hole in the nearside headlamp lens, which has caused condensation on the inside. The front discs are severely pitted and very lipped, and will require changing within a couple of thousand miles. Something is squeaking in the engine. The “scratch” has clearly gone down to bare metal and is also dented, although it has been touched in properly, it’s pretty obvious. The “four good tyres” are actually two good tyres, and two that will need almost immediate replacement. The car does not have heated seats as per the advert. The fuel computer, which has not been reset in 3000 miles, shows an average MPG of 29.7 – although, it’s a wonder I managed to read it, because someone has smacked the computer screen and now it doesn’t display properly. The mileage of the vehicle is actually closer to 135k – can it really have done 7000 miles in the week since the advert was placed?

Then I notice a paint run on the offside rear door. Closer inspection reveals crazed lacquer across the entire door and an appalling piece of bodyshop work. The wheel arch on this corner has again been ground to the metal and touched up. There are bizarre cracks in the roof rail runners that have water ingress and will shortly be rusting from the inside out. The badge is a complete mess. The offside mirror doesn’t move properly and is cracked. The list goes on…

I understand it’s a cheap car. I understand it’s old. I’m prepared to accept a few dinks or the odd scratch, but here I am standing next to a chap describing a wonderful, well looked after, well maintained car, and I’m actually staring a shed that, if bought, will swiftly start making up for its cheapness by further emptying my wallet. I specifically told him on the phone that I didn’t want to buy something that needed stuff doing – he assured me the car was ready to go.

The Parkers guide price for a car of this age with average mileage (80,000) in good condition from a dealer is £1,700. As it’s being sold without warranty, the private good price applies, which in this case is £1,400. I figured the lower price was due to the mileage, so I was expecting to see a good example. In reality, this car is in very average (if not poor) condition, and not worth a penny more than £750.

It may well be that it’s a mechanically sound car that will provide cheap and safe transportation for some willing punter for many years to come, but I’m not going to take that gamble because I just don’t trust it. If the seller had described the car properly in the first place, I could have budgeted the bits that needed doing, set my expectations and made a decision, which in this case would have saved me a 160 mile round trip with my wife and two young children on a very cold and miserable day.

And so, to save others some time, here’s my helpful guide to some of the phrases traders use:

“One lady owner” = loads of carpark dings and a coked up, poorly serviced engine
“Partial service history” = a couple of receipts from KwikFit and not much else
“Flew through its MoT” = barely scraped through the test and will probably fail next time
“First to see will buy” = it’s a shed, but I’m hoping this line will get you to come and look, then I can sell it to you
“Absolute bargain” = pile of unroadworthy crap
“Genuine reason for sale” = something big is about to go wrong so I’m selling it quick
“Tidy bodywork” = numerous dings and small scratches
“Small patch of rust – barely noticeable” = the vehicle is one firm kick away from being a Fred Flintstone special
“One owner from new” = so what? He could be a one legged, one armed, blind man.

Also to be avoided like the plague are dishonest sellers – they are so easy to spot. Have a look on AutoTrader for the following:

• People that quote a price under £1,000 to get cheap AutoTrader advertising, when the cost is actually much higher. An example of this would be a car priced at £339, and then in the advert text it says “price is £3395″. Like they just made a typo. Give me a break! Cheapskates! Would you trust a person who steals from the company advertising the car for them?
• Adverts with mileage quoted without zeros. For example: 137,000 becomes 137 miles. Dealers do this to make sure the car still comes up in searches for cars with less than 100,000 miles. Oh yes. How cunning. I. Am. Fooled. This is nothing more than a cheap sales trick – expect plenty more when you go to view the pile of rust they are advertising.
• Adverts with no mileage at all. Why won’t they tell you? Because the car is overpriced, on its last legs and again, they want the opportunity to do a sales pitch.
• Adverts with no photos, no high-res photos, or photos taken with mobile phone cameras. If they don’t care enough to take 10 minutes to do some decent pics, what hope do you have of getting any problems sorted if something goes wrong?

I may be getting far too cynical, but whilst it may seem like there are loads of automotive bargains to be had just now, the truth is that bargains are few and far between. Looks like we’ll be staying a one car family for the forseeable.