David Hurst

With the weather being so clement these past few days, it seemed only appropriate to jump in the trusty Coupe and head down to the coast for that stalwart of British cuisine: Fish and Chips. Although in actual fact both my wife and I opted for a Pukka Pie instead of the Fish - sacrilege I know…

The coastal village du jour was Beer, situated between Branscombe and Lyme Regis on the Devon coast. A very picturesque little village with ample seating for marine gazing food consumers. So small in fact is Beer, that it boasts only one chip shop and they have wasted no time in taking advantage of their monopoly.

We paid just a shade under a tenner for pie and chips twice plus a fish cake for the sprogett. I’m not a mean man, but you have to draw the line somewhere, and that line is most certainly drawn south of £1.70 for a bag o’ chips. At my local chiperia, I am forced to part with just £1.10 for a bag of chips so enormous it could be used to perform miracles feeding hungry crowds. And mighty fine those chips are too. So why am I paying 55% more for a smaller portion, albeit in more visually appealing surroundings? I’m paying more because the owners of the chip shop in Beer feel that they can charge more - you’re hardly going to drive miles to somewhere else now are you?

What really irritated me was the slapdash way with which our evening comestables were packaged. Chips should be carefully bundled in 2 or 3 sheets of greaseproof paper, folded tightly into a nice little bundle. Half the fun of eating chips comes from the enjoyment (bordering on gift-opening excitement) of unwrapping them. At £1.70 per portion you expect to see proper packaging skill not slipshod wrapping that blows open in a 2mph breeze and distributes your hot and nourishing evening meal across the pavement for the enjoyment of the local seagull population.

What irritated me still further was when the chap behind the counter asked if I would like a bag to carry my chips. Why yes of course - for ’tis a short walk to the beach. He simply pointed at a pile of plastic carrier bags on the counter. Clearly, £1.70 per portion does not buy you courtesy, or anything vaguely resembling customer service. Worse still was the fact that the bags were so statically charged that I had to stand there for a good minute rubbing, blowing and otherwise trying to turn the miserable piece of plastic between my fingers into some sort of food transportation system.

I really cannot stand this kind of short-sighted greedy business ethic. You may have my money today Mr Beer Chip Shop Owner, but rest assured I shall not be choosing your venerable establishment for any future evening sojourns to the coast in search of gastronomic satisfaction.

When I gaze back 13 years or so into my murky adolescent past, I can recall paying around 55p for a bag of chips. That’s 100% increase in the past 13 years, which seems somewhat excessive to me. After all, it’s just a few spuds chopped and chucked into oil. I guess this indicates that by 2020 we will be forced to cough up £2.20 for a bag of chips. Unless you’re in Beer of course, where the local fish and chipperie will no doubt be offering a number of convenient monthly payment methods for their hot potato goodies, all secured on your home, which will be at risk if you do not maintain your monthly payments.